Dear friends and family,
I will still be writing this email with the knowledge that my updates will be going to some sensitive areas, but feel free to reply candidly, as I am back in the US. Thanks for your understanding!
Thank you so much for bearing with me during this process of writing this final update. It's been a crazy (nearly) 3 weeks since I've moved to New York, and I've just finished my second week of training this past Friday. Now that I have adjusted a bit into my new surroundings, I thought that I would share with all of you some of my thoughts. As I had mentioned in my previous email, my experiences and lessons from working in the short-term m- arena actually were not at all what I had expected or "hoped" to learn going in.
Initial Expectations of What I Would Learn From My Trip
You could say that I originally went to China with the expectations that the Boss would change my heart so that I could love His children like He does, that my heart would be broken for the poor and the lost, that through my contact with the rural farmers via microfinance, I would be able to better understand the depth of the Boss's love and compassion. Especially because my work environment in New York is going to be one that celebrates self-indulgence and self-pleasure, I believed (and still believe) that learning to love others, especially the physically and sp*r*tually poor, was an important one to learn. It's a good expectation or hope to have in preparation for a m- trip, right? To be able to learn a lesson as important as this one?
However, the fact that my expectations for learning were not met during my trip ultimately ended up being the most important lesson of all. To make a long story short, I feel that as I prepared for my m- trip, I had the expectation that during the course of my trip, the Boss would work his wonders in my heart, transforming it from "a heart of stone" to "a heart of flesh" through my experiences. This sounds reasonable, but as I see it now, it was an "unreasonable" expectation, because I expected the Boss to do all the work for me. It was as if I no longer had any responsibility for my own sp*r* tual growth and development anymore, as if learning to love others wasn't a job for me, but a job for the Boss.
The Lessons that The Boss Ultimately Taught Me
But as it happened, my initial expectations weren't "fulfilled," so to speak. I had to search more deeply to find out what the Boss was trying to say to me, since I didn't feel that my heart had been "broken" by my experiences, per se. The lesson I learned in my searching was that I have to actively love others, as He does. I cannot expect Him to change my heart if I do not first demonstrate that my heart truly desires to change. What I learned is that for those like me, (those people for whom Chrst-like compassion does not come naturally), there is no magic solution that leads to loving others like He does. However, because of our love for the Boss, and because we know that He loves us, we must struggle with all our might to love (weak though our efforts may be), and ask that His sheer unaided power fills in for our human failings.
This trip has been a humbling reminder for me, a reminder of how the Boss works in His own ways and in His own timing to achieve His ends for us. As I have learned, these ends may not come in a manner that we expected or at a time that we initially hoped for, through whatever I do and experience, I must look to Him to see what He is trying to teach me.
Pr* yer Requests and Thank You
As I begin a two-year job commitment here in New York, please pr*y that I will continue looking to Him and that I would seek to actively love others and share the good news with them. One of my reasons for going into this job is because even though the Wall Street environment is not one of physical poverty, it is definitely one of sp*r *tual poverty. It is a place in need of good news, just like any other place.
As a result, please ask Him to give me the boldness to witness to others in the workplace, and please also pr* y that I would not give up hope, even when the going gets rough, or when I realize that my own sinful nature makes me a hypocrite as I try to share the good news with others.
Finally, I'd like to thank all of you again for your support and encouragement. Thank you for partnering with me on this trip and sharing in my experiences and lessons, which the Boss is using to continue "refining" me into the person He wants me to become. Maybe my future plans will involve Wall Street. Maybe they will involve more microfinance. Or maybe He will show me once again that my expectations and plans are not what I initially thought they would turn out to be. Regardless, I am grateful that you have been willing to be a part of this process with me. Thank you!
For His glory,
Mark
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